Loneliness at University

Considering the whole process of moving away for uni, it’s easy to understand why loneliness, or the fear of being alone, is prominent. A bunch of young people with undeveloped prefrontal cortexes moving away from everything we know, sometimes to a city, is an isolating experience. And sometimes, it doesn’t seem like anyone is feeling the same way. You’ll start being ok with it all and then it’s been five weeks and somehow everyone’s found their best friends already. If you’re someone who’s in their head more often than they’d like to be, it becomes easy to assume something’s wrong with you because you haven’t found ‘best friends’ yet. For some people, this new solitude may make them stay with a group they don’t necessarily like just to have people there, others you may not even see because they’ll be in their rooms. 

Friendship is a tricky thing to secure at uni, there’s no doubt about that. Luckily, I found friendships in my flatmates, but I did my fair share of trial and error too. Some friends I made in freshers were only friends with me for that week, others we agreed to meet up and then never did, and others I met up with made me realise we had nothing in common except where we came from. A fair amount of people in their first year of uni also tend to do various drugs, which definitely spooked me a bit coming from an uptight family. I bring this up because a fear of being alone may make us do things we don’t want to in order to fit in. And while I’ve learned that not all people who use drugs are bad, the ones who peer-pressure you into doing so certainly are. 

Dealing with loneliness is even more frustrating when you come to uni with anxiety or low self-esteem. For me, I came into my first year assuming everyone I met would immediately dislike me without knowing me. As a result, I didn’t attempt to get to know anyone, and ended up shooting myself in the foot. Having had some anxiety myself, I know how badly one might want to go and socialise but their body tells them they are entirely incapable of doing anything like that. Your thoughts can get the better of you and it becomes safer to hole up in your room and dread every interaction you have with new people. I believe my experiences, though, give me authority to advise anxious people to get stuck into things. And I know how fake-positive it can come across, but exposure therapy is such a useful tool for combatting anxious beliefs. Whatever you expose yourself to and at what level is entirely up to you. I do warn applying this to friend-making is a repetitive process, but it increases your likelihood of finding people who get you, and if not you’ll know what kind of people you’ll want around in the future. However, I recommend anyone who’s overly struggling to find somebody to talk to, be it a family member, a friend, or a therapist. If anyone is looking for professional help, there are some stellar talking therapy services connected with the university.